FAO SCHWARZ: Thanks for calling FAO Schwarz, this is Jean.

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, Jean. I recently received your catalog, and I was looking at the Grand Victorian Mansion, item #845602.

FAO: Yes. Isn't it beautiful?

JH: It certainly is. And not a bad price, either. If you knew the price of real estate around here, you'd jump all over this.

FAO: [Laughs]

JH: Now, does it come assembled?

FAO: No, sir.

JH: So you just ship the materials and I build it myself?

FAO: OK ... let me just read it here ... the description says "assembly required."

JH: So you're going to just dump a bunch of shingles and wood on my lawn?

FAO: Ah ... OK, I'm just accessing some additional information.

JH: I mean, I could just go to Home Depot and buy that crap.

FAO: Right. Let me see here. It says that the delivery company will assist you with the assembly.

JH: How many bathrooms does it have?

FAO: It says, let me see, it doesn't say how many bathrooms are in the playhouse.

JH: That's usually a standard feature of real estate, you list the number of bedrooms and bathrooms. Strange.

FAO: Right...

JH: What are the children's names?

FAO: I'm sorry?

JH: The children, in the picture. What are their names?

FAO: Oh, I honestly don't know that. They're just little actors.

JH: So the children don't come with the house?

FAO: [Pause] No.

JH: So it's $19,000 just for this house?

FAO: Yes.

JH: Are the children sold separately?

FAO: We don't sell children at FAO Schwarz.

JH: I'm sorry. You don't...?

FAO: No. It's against the law to do that.

JH: Not even a la carte?

FAO: [Very long pause] No. Do you need anything else?

JH: Well, this is sounding less and less attractive. A $19,000 playhouse is ... geez. Look: I just want to know that it's a comfortable place for the kids to live.

FAO: OK, well, it is supposed to be a playhouse, it's not supposed to be a place for children to live.

JH: [Pause] I'm sorry, I don't understand.

FAO: It's a playhouse. For children to play in.

JH: Come on. I'm looking at these kids in the picture, and it's very clear they're not playing. They're on their way to work or something.

FAO: I don't know what to tell you.

JH: They're probably working to pay off their mortgage.

FAO: Would you mind holding for one moment, sir?

JH: No, I think I'm good. I'm going to need to talk this over with the wife. Thanks for your help.

FAO: Thank you for calling FAO Schwarz.


The saddest thing is that we have wealthy parents buying these playhouses for their kids, when there's a world full of homeless midgets out there. Life just isn't fair.