Funnies
#1
Funnies
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll
squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out"
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing
that came from a
hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a
horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're
both dogs! !
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why
didn't
he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a
mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the
same
tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion
stars
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
think I'll
squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out"
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing
that came from a
hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a
horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're
both dogs! !
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why
didn't
he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a
mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the
same
tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion
stars
in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
#2
Guest
Posts: n/a
Santa Letters
Santa letters!!
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a ******* book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my ******* mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ***** and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-***? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiny begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a ******* book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my ******* mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ***** and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-***? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiny begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
#3
Guest
Posts: n/a
DRINKING AROUND THE XMaS TREE
(to the tune "Rocking Around the XMaS Tree")
Drinking around the XMaS tree at the XMaS party rush,
Faces are hung o'er Yates porch, everybody is a lush.
Drinking around the XMaS tree, let the XMaS drunkards through,
Later we'll do some vomiting, and our arms will hug the ***.
You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Drinking around the XMaS tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.
(drunken sax solo.)
You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Drinking around the XMaS tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.
(to the tune "Rocking Around the XMaS Tree")
Drinking around the XMaS tree at the XMaS party rush,
Faces are hung o'er Yates porch, everybody is a lush.
Drinking around the XMaS tree, let the XMaS drunkards through,
Later we'll do some vomiting, and our arms will hug the ***.
You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Drinking around the XMaS tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.
(drunken sax solo.)
You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Drinking around the XMaS tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.
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