Found This In My E-mails
06-02-2003, 06:31 PM
#1
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Revere, MA
Age: 44
Posts: 71
Found This In My E-mails How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-***?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semiconductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-***?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semiconductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
06-02-2003, 06:33 PM
#2
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Revere, MA
Age: 44
Posts: 71
this is funny too
The Woodpeckers
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker
to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the
challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked thetree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker
to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the
challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked thetree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home
06-02-2003, 07:06 PM
#3
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Revere, MA
Age: 44
Posts: 71
this is funny as well
SIGNS OFTEN TELL A STORY
Two Prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top their car which read: 'TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00
A Cop, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they either have to remove the sign or go to jail!
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asks the Cop, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well! That's a little different," the Cop smiled, "Their sign pertains to religion!"
So the ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off!
The following day found the same Cop in the area when he again noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
again!
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign read: 'TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00
I owuld love to see this one - no i would actually PAY to see it
Two Prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top their car which read: 'TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00
A Cop, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they either have to remove the sign or go to jail!
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asks the Cop, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well! That's a little different," the Cop smiled, "Their sign pertains to religion!"
So the ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off!
The following day found the same Cop in the area when he again noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
again!
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign read: 'TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00
I owuld love to see this one - no i would actually PAY to see it
06-02-2003, 07:11 PM
#4
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Revere, MA
Age: 44
Posts: 71
ok I am on a ROLL
T-Shirt sayings
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
27) Procrastinate Now
28) Rehab Is for Quitters
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15
33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names
34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
50) WELCOME TO ALABAMA - Set your watch back 20 years.
51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
52) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
27) Procrastinate Now
28) Rehab Is for Quitters
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15
33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names
34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
50) WELCOME TO ALABAMA - Set your watch back 20 years.
51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
52) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.
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